Last night as Beloved came to bed, I could not sleep. So, I got up and came down stairs.
I cried out to God. I just don't know what he wants me to do. Sometimes I feel like I cannot possibly handle a fifth child. I think, "Why are you doing this to me?" What on earth was I thinking?
Well, then I have those thoughts of, "I always wanted six children, five is on the way." But how do I get a hold on the four that I have before the fifth one comes along. I feel like I've lost my sanity somewhere.
I recall all the negative things said to me about having a fifth child. The "what were you thinking, you've gotta do something about that." The "how are you gonna handle five? You can hardly handle four."
For the first comment there, I replied, "It is absolutely none of your business as to the size of my family. You have no right to judge me. I am blessed by the most high God with absolutely wonderful children."
For the second commenter, I just ignored, for out of that same mouth came remarks like, "Your children are so well behaved,...Your children love you so much,...You are such a good mother."
I mean really.
Why is it that when you have more than four children the world goes bonkers. In years past, many children was a sign of blessing from God. Now it seems to be a curse. What makes it most difficult is that the 'world' seems to place a high importance on wealth and prosperity. The church does not seem too concerned about prosperity these days. Need I remind them, we serve THE MOST HIGH GOD?
Anyway, that's another topic.
So, all of this thinking had me concerned about my future with a large family. We rent our home now, and it is big enough for five children, but if we were to move to another rental, we would be facing the challenge of 'too many children.'
I'm afraid of what lies ahead. I'm afraid of having more children and not ending this season in my life. I am afraid.
But I know that spirit of fear was not given me by my God. I know His perfect Love drives out all fear. It's just so hard to trust right now. So hard.
7 comments:
I think five is excellent!
And all of my "how do you do it?" comments are statements of awe. I am seriously impressed, and I think #5 is going to be a walk in the park for you.
love you!
thank you my dear sister.
You made my day!
Hey girl,
Compared to people I know, you are stil in the minors! hahaha! I have one friend with 6 kiddos, one with 8, and my old employers were Mormans with 13 kids. I bet 5 will be a piece of cake for you, cause you are a wonderful mother and I always think you have wonderfully behaved children who are growing up with parents who love them and love the Lord. That's more important than some rick family with only 1-2 kids and no connections at all. And just think how close and tightknit your family will be..always there for each other..always aware of the sacrifies and joy it takes to be a part of something big like this.
Plus one other plus..more kiddos to take of you in retirement..cha-ching!! hahahaa!
I meant RICH family..what is a rick family anyway??
And SACRIFICES, not sacrifies..and geez..the word "plus" twice in the same phrase..I need to slow down and spell check every now and then!
Leah, I had to stop after just three precious angels. I was advised by 3 different specialists to do something permanent due to complications with my health during pregnancy. I agonized over my decision and, five years later, long for more. While I know it would be selfish for me to pursue more children (the three specialists told me I WOULD NOT survive another pregnancy) and I'm not going to risk leaving my children motherless, I still ache for more. What I wouldn't give to be in your place. Everytime you hear a negative comment, think about me and how much I would love to trade situations with you. Be encouraged, friend.
Leah,
Found your site from Rachel's. From skimming just 2 of your blog posts, I think we must be the same person.
I, too, just had my 5th c section. Sadly, I had my tubes tied since the ol' uterus couldn't take anymore. It was a huge decision that was not made lightly.
I kept worrying that God would be very angry with me. But, I had to keep reminding myself that yes, I HAVE been open to life and that no, I don't have to keep up with the couple who keeps popping out babies and makes raising a beautiful Catholic Christian family look like a cakewalk.
Anyway, I can't wait to read over your posts and get to know someone who seems to have a very familiar situation. God bless you, Leah!
ps take a peek at life through my kitchen window: www.dontdroolonmybluesuedeshoes.blogspot.com
Hi Leah,
I also found your blog via Rachel's. I left a message for you there (dated 30 July) but realised you would probably not see it since that is now a couple of weeks ago.
I too have just had my fifth caesarian and may well have to try not to have more children (I have to consult with a couple more doctors first). The message I left at Rachel's if you still want to read it, was meant to be just a sharing from my own life. I empathise with you.
God bless,
Louise in Australia
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