The storm that is my mind

My mind is a Battlefield. So many things go on inside my head. So many downgrading feelings and comments.

Once I dated a jerk who belittled me every chance he got. I watched a Prime Time Special last night called "Family Secrets." It was about a wife who was verbally abused. The husband later began physical abuse.
Having been in that situation before, I can understand how terribly painful it is to remove yourself from the oppression. The jerk, let's call him Vance, lured me into his life. As he lured me, he also began to forbid me to attend church with my parents, to hang out with old friends, or do anything without his prior permission.
He was infuriated when I turned down a job that he helped me get. Somehow, even then, God was protecting me from this jerk.
Years later, I reread my journal during that brief time in my life, and every page, every night, poured with pleadings to God to help me escape.
I didn't know it at the time, but God made a way. God made me an affectionate person, in need of physical and emotional connection. When Vance no longer wanted that emotional connection, he let me go. I began to heal in the 6 months after he left me, andGod showed me what a treasure I truly am.
After that 6 months had pasted, Vance called me and asked to meet me. As usual, he picked me up and drove to his parents house. I did not know that they were all in Mississippi visiting relatives. Vance had me right where he wanted me. At his mercy. He did try a thing or to, but praise be to God, not even a jerk like Vance would assault a woman on her period! Ha! (Isn't God good!)
When I told Vance that we could only get together under my terms, he sneered. You'd think I had taken away his manhood!

Anyway, long story short (sort of), he took me home. I never saw him again. But all the pain he had caused would come back in floods of tears years later when I met and began to date Ronnie.

Ronnie, who is night and day from Vance, listened and hung on my every word. He cherishes me like no man ever has. But, the pain of that brief period in my life still haunts me, telling me I am a fool, an idiot, a *itch. The pain of that time never seems to fully heal. It doesn't seem to get much better over the years, it is still a hot searing knife that insists on dividing my mind.
It removes my dignity, my faith, my passion. I crawl back into my little cocoon and cry a while. I guard every piece of my life. I fear new friendships, especially with men, and I crave my husbands presence constantly. Ronnie is the peace that God sent in my despair. He is the calm in the storm of my mind.