Ugly Honesty

Okay, I'm gonna just be open and honest so that anyone reading can get the same, or similar blessing, that I received this weekend.
I wouldn't normally be so open with you, except I think God is calling us to be open and honest with one another so we can begin to heal.

Last week I was struggling greatly in my walk with the Lord. I hated everything about my life. I hated my children, the new baby, and especially being trapped in the life of "Motherhood." They tie me down. They restrict my freedom with God. They frustrate me to no end. They whine, they cry, they are defiant. I was ready to leave them.

Thursday night was the beginning of our annual Camp Meeting at our church. I did not go. Friday night, Ronnie took the kids, but I did not go. I was so tired of being with the kids, that I could care less about taking them to church. I just wanted to be alone.

Then, Saturday night came. It was gonna be this Bishop from Nigeria speaking. Bishop Mon Igbinosa preached about Rebekkah and how she willingly left all that was familiar to her to go marry a 40 year old man she'd never met. She just trusted that God was in control of her life.

The sermon was great, but it was the altar call that really, truly affected me. His call was for those who wanted to renew their committment to God. To be revived. Ronnie went down first, and I was surprised--he is the strong one right now. After most everyone was at front that was going up front, I finally surrenderred to God and went forward.

The Bishop started on one end of the line, and I was the last one to be prayed over. I listened while he prayed over Ronnie, and I began to weep as he prayed exactly what Ronnie needed. This told me that he had a goo link with the Holy Spirit, but it scared me because I knew he would be able to see to my heart.

When he got to me, the woman before me was slain in the spirit. He cupped his hands around me face. He began to rebuke the evil inside me. I was broken and crying uncontrollably. My crossed arms lifted themselves up in worship to God. I could hear myself crying through his microphone over the speakers, and then I just let go. Yep, for the first time in my charasmatic experience, I was slain in the spirit. I laid there and wept uncontrollably.

Then a sweet peace and calm came over me. I began to grieve for my children who I had been mean and hateful to over the past week or two. I began to grieve for my husband who just didn't know what to do for me except pray. I began to grieve for my unborn child who I have not felt yet, and just wanted it to die.

My heart was changed, and I released that evil that was holding on to me. When we got home, Ronnie and I annointed our house with our annointing oil (everyone should have a bottle!) and prayed over it. We removed some items that did not belong to us and prayed over each of the children.

I have asked forgiveness from all the children and have been in much better spirits. I am journalling again, and believing that God can do ANYTHING! I know He has me here in this moment, in this home, with these children and this husband for such a time as this. I know He has great things in store for me, and that He is filling me up completely with His strength and His purpose.

I pray you have gained something from the truth of this post. Please feel free to comment.